One fine morning a man was leaving a cafe after his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusualfuneral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.
Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of about 300 men walking in a single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you,but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it? "
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."
What happened to her? "
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow your dog?"
The man calmly replied "JOIN THE QUEUE..!!!"
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Presence of mind helps
In a shop a man asked for 1/2 kg of sugar. The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the shop, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg. So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of sugar". To his surprise, the customer was standing behind him. So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!"
After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?" To this the boy said, "I come from Mexico. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!! " The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Mexico". To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?"
Presence of mind helps, never panic!!!!!!! !
After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?" To this the boy said, "I come from Mexico. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!! " The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Mexico". To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?"
Presence of mind helps, never panic!!!!!!! !
Monday, March 2, 2009
Technical Support pgm upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
Dear Tech Support Team:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as Bachelor Nights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, and Beer with Buddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall ' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support).
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 .
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING: DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support Team....
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as Bachelor Nights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, and Beer with Buddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall ' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support).
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 .
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING: DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support Team....
Friday, October 17, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS ARE PAID SO MUCH.
PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS ARE PAID SO MUCH......FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE.
TAKE A LOOK:
1) Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
--------------------------------------------------
2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
--------------------------------------------------
3).Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
--------------------------------------------------
4).Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
--------------------------------------------------
5).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
--------------------------------------------------
6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
--------------------------------------------------
7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
--------------------------------------------------
8). Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
--------------------------------------------------
9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
--------------------------------------------------
10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
--------------------------------------------------
11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
--------------------------------------------------
12).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
--------------------------------------------------
13). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
--------------------------------------------------
14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
--------------------------------------------------
15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
--------------------------------------------------
16). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his
Computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and
it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is
frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is
an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let
me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the
file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
-------------------------------------------------
17) customer care officer:I need a product identification no: right now and
may I help u in finding it out?
Cust: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?
About ATM ( Very Important)
Dear Friends,
Do u know how a Boy and Girl Withdraw cash from ATM??????
Look how they....
How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM
1. Park the car
2. Go to ATM Machine
3. Insert card
4. Enter PIN
5. Take money out
6. Take ATM Card out
7. Drive away
How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM
1. Park the car
2. Check makeup
3. Turn off engine
4. Check makeup
5. Go to ATM
6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7. Insert card
8. Hit Cancel
9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
10. Insert card
11. Enter PIN (murmurring loudly)
12. Take cash
13. Go to car
14. Check makeup
15. Start car
16. Stop car
17. Run back to ATM
18. Take ATM card
19. Back to car
20. Check makeup
21. Start car
22. Check makeup
23. Drive for 1/2 mile
24. Release handbrake
25. Drive on ..................._________ till she knocks down somebody under the car.......
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Best Resignation Letter Ever!
Dear Mr. Baker:
Wishing you a grand and glorious day,
Cecelia
As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very
basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an
intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your
consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the
commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few
true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of
everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a
waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I
know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to
provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly
attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth
time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why
people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I
am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your
shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.
You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in
others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have
worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility,
you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for
your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the
blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.
Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full
frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I
have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you
to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is, "I
prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next
couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to
do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know
every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get
cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list," which I conveniently
saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that
terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's
birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of
yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the
techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd
acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and
kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of
recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct
your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my
desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of
your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.
Never mess with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you
do with all that free time!
Cecelia
But I was just…
She was in the office by 9.00 AM. I have never seen her coming in late, no
matter, how late she had to sit the previous night. And in no time at all
she settled down with the day's work.
She had an oval face with a pointed chin. Her eyebrows were long and narrow.
Her eyes were chocolate brown. This gave her a mature and determined look.
Occasionally, she wore glasses. She had wavy hair that hung loosely on her
shoulders. They were not thick enough to keep untied. She made it look like
a long ponytail, with the help of a hair band. But the most noticeable
feature of her face was her lips. They formed a peculiar extension for her
short and sharp nose, adding a strange beauty to her face. Her mouth was
always partly open, this added a cute innocence to her face, and she would
hold her lips together when
she suddenly became aware of it. She revealed pale pink gums when laughing,
this only added to the grace she radiated.
Today, she has worn a cotton pink dress, with white floral designs. She
looked gorgeous in it. The flat strapped leather sandals, the black leather
wristwatch on her left hand, the single golden bangle on her right hand, the
pearl studs on her ears, all, reflected a pink tint. They compounded the
beauty she shone. She was not fat, nor was she lean. She was not tall, nor
was she short. She was not fair (like all the actresses one saw in films),
nor was she dark. There seemed to be some kind of a gentle wave of subtle
perfection about her. She looked like a white and pink tulip artistically
and elegantly combined into
one. Seeing her today gave me the same happiness, as it would have, if
someone I loved dearly, gave me a tulip. She was an offering to herself!
She sits right in front of me. I sit watching her all day long, observing
her every move. I very much love doing this, and I consider myself very
lucky. Maybe, there were guys who were jealous of me, because of the
position I sat in. In fact, I spend all my time in the office, looking at
her and adoring the female she is. I think nothing else in this world can
bring me the kind of joy and pleasure I get watching her.
It is really interesting, to notice the various expressions her face reveals
at times. I watched her getting confused reading the design document,
perplexed going through other's codes, exhausted preparing test cases,
refreshed after lunch and snacks, happy reading friends' mails, her face
lighting up when happy and annoyed when something wrong happened. I could
tell she was reading her mails, from her widening eyes. Initially, there was
a curiosity that filled her eyes with each new mail, she got. In the course
of time, however, she mastered the expressionless face like those of others.
But, her eyes still betrayed
the kind of anxiety one has when something was to be disclosed in a very
short time. When her lips turn up to the left, it meant she was starting to
enjoy a joke. And that was the beginning for a blooming smile. I simply
loved her when she did that. Her brows drew up to the center of her
forehead, if she saw something, she could not understand. Unexpected results
of her code usually made her do that.
Today, it was something else and she was concentrating on it. The telephone
to her left rang. It would be for the guy who sat beside her. He got a call
at this time, everyday. She picked up the phone. "No, he isn't in office
yet...Okay I'll tell him, Bye". She kept the receiver back in the cradle.
She took out her glasses from her bag. She looked once at the phone, and
then went back to reading.
After some time, a tall guy came to her and said. "You need not hurry. We
have time till next Tuesday for the delivery. I got a mail saying so" .She
said "That's nice", and smiled at him. A twinkle in her eye said that she
was relieved.
She was back after lunch. Her face showed a renewed freshness. I wish, I
could go for lunch with her, so that, I would not miss her for that amount
of time. I wished to see the way she ate. I think, it would be very graceful
and effortless with her slender fingers!
She checked her mails after lunch. This time she clasped her left hand over
her mouth. She was laughing over yet another joke. And I saw her busy
typing; would be the reply. She had her glasses on again.
It was 4.00 PM when the telephone rang again. She picked the receiver and
said "Hello". "Yes speaking". She was listening to the other end. "But..."
she could not complete. "Okay" she said and hung up. It was something
serious. I could see her eyes moistening and starting to sparkle through her
glasses. She took out a kerchief and wiped her tears. She opened the drawer
and took a file and pushed it into her bag. And then she left.
I was probably as upset as she was about this sudden development (even if I
didn't know the details.) Besides having taken her away from me faster
than usual, I hated to see her upset like this. How I wished I could ask her
what had happened. How I wished I could say 'Don't worry, everything will be
alright'. How I wished I could touch her just this once and soothe her. How
I wished I needn't be bound by restrictive technology that allowed us to
communicate, but never connect, feel or touch in the truest sense..
How I wish I was something more than just an ordinary electronic gadget.
Guess I was fated to remain what I was - her PC's monitor, destined only to
read her face, nothing less, nothing more..
matter, how late she had to sit the previous night. And in no time at all
she settled down with the day's work.
She had an oval face with a pointed chin. Her eyebrows were long and narrow.
Her eyes were chocolate brown. This gave her a mature and determined look.
Occasionally, she wore glasses. She had wavy hair that hung loosely on her
shoulders. They were not thick enough to keep untied. She made it look like
a long ponytail, with the help of a hair band. But the most noticeable
feature of her face was her lips. They formed a peculiar extension for her
short and sharp nose, adding a strange beauty to her face. Her mouth was
always partly open, this added a cute innocence to her face, and she would
hold her lips together when
she suddenly became aware of it. She revealed pale pink gums when laughing,
this only added to the grace she radiated.
Today, she has worn a cotton pink dress, with white floral designs. She
looked gorgeous in it. The flat strapped leather sandals, the black leather
wristwatch on her left hand, the single golden bangle on her right hand, the
pearl studs on her ears, all, reflected a pink tint. They compounded the
beauty she shone. She was not fat, nor was she lean. She was not tall, nor
was she short. She was not fair (like all the actresses one saw in films),
nor was she dark. There seemed to be some kind of a gentle wave of subtle
perfection about her. She looked like a white and pink tulip artistically
and elegantly combined into
one. Seeing her today gave me the same happiness, as it would have, if
someone I loved dearly, gave me a tulip. She was an offering to herself!
She sits right in front of me. I sit watching her all day long, observing
her every move. I very much love doing this, and I consider myself very
lucky. Maybe, there were guys who were jealous of me, because of the
position I sat in. In fact, I spend all my time in the office, looking at
her and adoring the female she is. I think nothing else in this world can
bring me the kind of joy and pleasure I get watching her.
It is really interesting, to notice the various expressions her face reveals
at times. I watched her getting confused reading the design document,
perplexed going through other's codes, exhausted preparing test cases,
refreshed after lunch and snacks, happy reading friends' mails, her face
lighting up when happy and annoyed when something wrong happened. I could
tell she was reading her mails, from her widening eyes. Initially, there was
a curiosity that filled her eyes with each new mail, she got. In the course
of time, however, she mastered the expressionless face like those of others.
But, her eyes still betrayed
the kind of anxiety one has when something was to be disclosed in a very
short time. When her lips turn up to the left, it meant she was starting to
enjoy a joke. And that was the beginning for a blooming smile. I simply
loved her when she did that. Her brows drew up to the center of her
forehead, if she saw something, she could not understand. Unexpected results
of her code usually made her do that.
Today, it was something else and she was concentrating on it. The telephone
to her left rang. It would be for the guy who sat beside her. He got a call
at this time, everyday. She picked up the phone. "No, he isn't in office
yet...Okay I'll tell him, Bye". She kept the receiver back in the cradle.
She took out her glasses from her bag. She looked once at the phone, and
then went back to reading.
After some time, a tall guy came to her and said. "You need not hurry. We
have time till next Tuesday for the delivery. I got a mail saying so" .She
said "That's nice", and smiled at him. A twinkle in her eye said that she
was relieved.
She was back after lunch. Her face showed a renewed freshness. I wish, I
could go for lunch with her, so that, I would not miss her for that amount
of time. I wished to see the way she ate. I think, it would be very graceful
and effortless with her slender fingers!
She checked her mails after lunch. This time she clasped her left hand over
her mouth. She was laughing over yet another joke. And I saw her busy
typing; would be the reply. She had her glasses on again.
It was 4.00 PM when the telephone rang again. She picked the receiver and
said "Hello". "Yes speaking". She was listening to the other end. "But..."
she could not complete. "Okay" she said and hung up. It was something
serious. I could see her eyes moistening and starting to sparkle through her
glasses. She took out a kerchief and wiped her tears. She opened the drawer
and took a file and pushed it into her bag. And then she left.
I was probably as upset as she was about this sudden development (even if I
didn't know the details.) Besides having taken her away from me faster
than usual, I hated to see her upset like this. How I wished I could ask her
what had happened. How I wished I could say 'Don't worry, everything will be
alright'. How I wished I could touch her just this once and soothe her. How
I wished I needn't be bound by restrictive technology that allowed us to
communicate, but never connect, feel or touch in the truest sense..
How I wish I was something more than just an ordinary electronic gadget.
Guess I was fated to remain what I was - her PC's monitor, destined only to
read her face, nothing less, nothing more..
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